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At some point in my own affair, I had to wonder whether that man would make a good enough husband to me, if my marriage ended in divorce. But honestly, I knew in my heart it would be hard to compare. Was I becoming reduced to having a fling? Or, did I want this thing to survive in real life? I had to eventually ask myself those things and my answers were eye opening for me. This is what I discovered from my own infidelity experience and the questions I eventually had to ask myself.

This article makes cheaters sound like victims, ergo, no accountability responsibility for their choices. Bibi, thank you for your comment and I will take your critique seriously and reflect on the work I do in this area. I really do appreciate your feedback, even though not positive, it is helpful. I really hope you are not blaming already victimised people.

Discovering my betrayal and the length and depths of my betrayal by the person I loved and thought was my friend is the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to me. Heartbreak is physical. Who can you trust? So it has to be something else. Trust, infidelity is part of a already existing pattern of wider self absorbtion and lack of attachment.

Getting their cake AND eating it is the motive - If not, why the deceit? I absolutely hold my hands up to my part to play increasing anger and escalation trying to get through. But I was never given the opportunity to deal with them.

Because then he would have had to meet me half way, own his side of things, regarded me as someone of value - which all comes with lots of responsibility, same old same old; and no exciting secret life of flattery and strange. I asked mine the same thing.

opinion you are

It would have been kinder than leaving me in the pure, unadulterated hell that my life had become. I suspect the author may be a young person lacking the life experience to fully appreciate how an affair of any sort just levels the betrayed partner. This would account for her glib tone and superficial advice. Lisa, I hope you are familiar with cognitive dissonance, being a family therapist.

What I mean is that the assertions made in this article-while feeling intuitively true to you, the author, and claimed as reasons for infidelity by unfaithful spouses-are not supported by scientifically rigorous and replicated empirical research. No research indicating causation currently exists for infidelity. There are many reasons that this is the case, but my concern here is that your article insinuates causation when, in fact, it really represents an opinion, albeit one informed by clinical practice, but not substantiated by empirical research.

I recommend amending your article to indicate this reality, or to at least change the title to indicate that it is an opinion piece.

Your article here is misleading in the sense that you are presenting yourself as a mental health professional with all the education, training, and licensure that confer expertise and gravitas to the words you publish. This is especially important in a situation like this, wherein you are asserting that people who have been significantly emotionally injured and had their lives turned upside-down are partially to blame for the trauma they have endured.

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In fact, many spouses hurt by infidelity present with the same symptomology. You are potentially aggravating their condition and possibly re-traumatizing them. If this article is representative of your clinical approach, then I urge you to reconsider it. Principle A: Beneficence and Nonmaleficence Psychologists strive to benefit those with whom they work and take care to do no harm. Just because you have seen a lot of couples struggling with infidelity in your practice not that your article makes even that specific a claim does not mean that you have the education and training to treat individuals confronting this issue.

Considering the lack of research and treatment options currently existing for couples confronting infidelity, it seems likely you are operating outside section 2. Given the emergent research on the traumatic cts of infidelity, it seems reasonable to expect that any practitioner working with infidelity also have extensive education, training, and practice in the treatment of trauma as well.

We, as a society, have struggled to get past the blaming of victims for their own misfortunes.

CONFESSIONS: Interviewing Man Who Dated a MARRIED Woman (2 Year Affair Guilty Feelings)

The field of psychology must also continue to atone for its own contribution to this dynamic. I am thinking of how difficult it continues to be that sexual assault victims are often questioned about their own behavior or wardrobe choices; how spouses of those with substance use disorder are often still judged to be enablers; how often victims of domestic violence are questioned about their own behavior in terms of angering their abusive partner; how generations of mothers with children suffering from autism were told it was their own emotional indifference to their child that caused the disorder.

These are horrible misconceptions that professional psychology and psychiatry has had to address and take the lead on repairing and educating the public about. It is disheartening to see the same dynamic so plainly at work in the case of infidelity. What we expect is for people to be responsible for expressing their needs and then acting responsibly for getting them met. If they are told no, then they should decide what action to take next, but what that action is would be dependent upon the character of the employee.

A reasonably responsible person might resign and find a better paying job, or find a second job to supplement their income. What a reasonable person does not do is justify stealing from their employer because their employer did not intuit their need for more income.

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Have we not learned from the few examples above that this is harmful? Have we not learned that the evidence that would support such a stance especially a clinical stance is unlikely to be forthcoming? As a marriage and couples therapist you are steeped in the systems theoretical conception of relations.

I would challenge you to think about how that is shaping your conception of infidelity.


Theory is a necessary tool for doing the work of treating suffering people, but one needs the right tool for the job at hand. Any competent carpenter knows when it is time to lay down the hammer and pick up the saw.

Beautiful reply and excellent suggestions. I would also ask Mrs Bahar that she look into Dr. This article demonstrate the same justification and rationalisation cheaters use to give themselves permission to have an affair. Exactly right! This also happens when women cheat. Cheated on spouses are already in a damaged state and then they get pounced on in therapy. More damage than good is done at this point.

The only person responsible for cheating is the cheater, whether the marriage was good or bad. Cheaters have time to make up a justification story while carrying on their double life and then start gaslighting to make their partner feel crazy, which then adds to their justification. Narcissistic behavior at best, emotional and physical abuse always.

Many times people in happy marriages start down the path of emotional affairs because of exposure to someone in a work or social setting. They receive attention from someone else who has low self esteem and the dumpster fire self ignites.

The wife gets more suspicious and insecure and it is a vicious cycle. Women should abruptly separate from their husbands if necessary to shock them into reality, it may be the only hope of saving a marriage. Please ignore this author, this is a very narrow view of emotional affairs.

An affair partner doesn't have to stay up late with sick kids who are throwing up from the flu. They get to go home at night after the fling with you is over. That's part of the allure of an affair though. The problem with marrying your affair partner is that you are essentially marrying a cheater. Both you and your new partner got to be where you are because you were willing to deceive a spouse in order to get what you wanted. Consider the facts. This is probably not a recipe for a relationship built on trust, which may make your future together. Popular Affair Dating Community for Married Men & Women seeking Passion, Friendship & Romance with Like-Minded Committed Individuals.

You are correct. I adored my husband, made dinner every night, initiated sex, told him how wonderful, brilliant and handsome he is on a regular basis. I trusted him completely, and had never been concerned about any of the young women who had working in his office in the past.

I was happy to pursue my own interests, going to school to study art. We have great friends-other couples we travel with, three children in and out of college, etc.

Finding the right affair partner is a little trickier. Affair Dating Sites. There are about a million affair dating sites out there. It's a big business, especially to lure men to pay a fee. So a lot of sites misrepresent themselves quite a bit. You'll find a slew of sites that essentially promise affairs, but . What the emotional affair provided him: His affair partner is understanding and may even make the suggestion they stop corresponding. The result: The emotional affair most likely renews the need for a connection with random unnecessary excuses to continue to see and talk to each other. "Where the grass is always greener," Marital Affair is a go-to, trusted married dating site for married men and women in the US. Launched in , Marital Affair has grown to over , users - and the site will let you know how many of them are online at the same time as well as how many were active in .

I work out, hike, and play tennis. He has a small circle of male friends who live in another state that he would chat with on a regular basis. At some point, he stopped talking to me when he got home from work, avoided my touch, never heard anything I said.

In the meantime, he included this girl in all of his work travel just local, but driving to sites, etc. BTW, she moved here from another state to live with a guy she had only dated for a month. When I had some family business that needed to be attended to everything blew up. At home he said he was to busy or tired to discuss it at home and that I should make an appointment to discuss at work.

right! Idea good

When I got there, he and the young lady were having a clearly personal discussion in his office. He greeted me, and then told me to go and get them some snacks.

necessary words... super

He claims that he would then spend that time giving his assistant something to work on while we were having that discussion. While getting snacks, it dawned on me that the man who had no time for me, had plenty of time for this young woman. I came back and was very businesslike. He peppered our discussion with plans to invite the young woman and her boyfriend over to our house for a BBQ that weekend.

I said our BBQ was broken and we may have other plans. My head was spinning. We finished our business and I left without much ado. When my husband came home he was in a rage. He then berated me, told me he had never been happy with me or our marriage and I was a terrible person. And how dare I accuse him of an affair. For two weeks he did not speak to me.

apologise, but

When we finally spoke again, I tried to explain the reasons why I had been so hurt by what seemed to be going on. He then berated me again and ignored me for another two weeks. He agreed to couples counseling, which we attended for about 6 months. The therapist encourage him to give this girl at least a month off, which he refused to do, saying his business would suffer without her-even though she had only been there for about 8 months.

In the meantime, he spent long hours at work-watching football games together, chatting to the girl about personal things, travel, memories of childhood, etc. The investment is not illegal, but there are some problems that are not a crime per se but could be prosecuted nonetheless because of the past owner. I might add that I had a way in which I could see and hear everything at work, so I knew everything going on at least inside the office. Of course in therapy I disclosed this and my husband shut off the camera!

He always claimed in therapy that he wanted to stay married, and when prompted, said he loved me. All that was gone.

He claimed that he felt betrayed by my suspicions-and that our marital problem was all my fault. Eventually, the girl presented her business idea to my husband and me. It was pretty weak, and in my opinion not well-researched in any meaningful way. Not to mention, umarionfoaleyarn.comofitable. About a month after that, the girl decided to leave on an extended break. It was as the counselor had predicted.

I was relieved. My husband started to act normal again and I felt like things were getting back to a better place.

I went back to work for him and for a while, things seemed pleasant again.

consider, that you

Then he started becoming cranky with me again. I wondered if he was in communication with this girl, and asked him. He blew up but never answered the question.

That aroused my suspicion, and sure enough, I discovered they have still been communication via private social media even while she was on another continent. And the is also returning from her travels this weekend too.

Planning To Marry Your Affair Partner? Not a Good Idea! (Part 1)

In the meantime, he gets furious when I ask him what he is doing about the troubled property. As if I was the one who committed to it in the first place. And again, he says its ridiculous that I am hurt by their relationship. But I will add that his communication with her now is secretive-at least to me. I could just go on and pretend that everything is back to normal and go about my business, but frankly, I am losing the love and warmth and trust that I once held so dearly towards my husband.

No one understands the confusion and pain of being cheated on unless they have been through it. Articles like this one suck and just make betrayed spouses feel worse when they are already in such pain. Check out the Chump Lady website, which is a supportive irreverent website full of common sense advice.

Worried in Washington, please please take legal advice. Your husband has lost his goddam mind and is being played by a very manipulative young woman who is targeting him for his wealth. You need to see what loans etc he can sign without your permission. Be prepared to be the leader in your family whilst he is in Crazy Land, do not hesitate to take out an injunction against him what I should have done. Him ranting at you for a week is much better than debt or losing money to a little minx.

If anything, the year-old is probably being manipulated by him. Well, of course. But would she be responding to the infatuation of a garbage collector? Or Mr Lots of Assets over there? He is still the idiot you are right. My point is, idiots do truly idiotic things financially how do I know. Your story is the truth of how these affairs play out in most cases. The chumped spouse was the one providing attention and instigating romance and communication and wanting and desiring the spouse who eventually cheats.

The cheater was the one consuming those marital resources as he saw fit, and discarding others, while not reciprocating any of them, except for the minimal required to keep the chump attached. The cheater simply changes the narrative lies to rationalize their cheating to themselves and others.

Poor me!!! The truth is that the cheater knows or thinks he has you, and you are faithful and serving, but the cheater feels entitled to more, to new, to strange, whether the cheater is just after sex, attention, or a new relationship. So all these stupid articles by therapists?

If the therapist is to make any assumption, the therapist should begin assuming that the cheater has some serious narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, as that is far more likely to be true.

Nope not putting this on me, 28 years of dedication to a fault - this is NOT my doing!!!

everything. Completely share

This article is tacky and high-handed. I feel sorry for your clients who have to listen to you quietly blame them when their lives have just come apart. I was in the same less than perfect marriage he was in, and I chose devotion, every single day. He chose lies, deception, cheating, entitlement, and destruction. He treats her as badly as he treated me. Then he found a therapist more like the author, and then boom, his whole narrative of Why He Had To Cheat was born.

His character sucks, and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that. There are honest ways to end a marriage.

Finish the old relationship before starting the next one. Cheaters have lousy characters. A professional who validates and agrees with their justifications also has a lousy character.

Jane, your suggestions of other articles are very good! But it will never happen here. Just figured out why. It really warms my heart to see so many point out this nonsense. Cheating is abuse and it is scary to see a therapist defend this behavior. Chump lady is a whole lot smarter: chumplady.

I am so thankful to read these dose of reality comments. There was a time in my life when I may have believed this crap article. Then my spouse of 15 years confessed to cheating. Cheating while we were trying to get pregnant, while I wats pregnant, after our baby was born and while getting me pregnant with our 2nd, due soon.

Meanwhile I have worked myself to the bone in every way imaginable to meet elusive needs, coddling his moodiness, blaming myself. Honestly I think many of us faithful spouses become less attractive to these selfish entitled cheaters because we ARE trying so hard. These sites focus on discretion, but you still need to be smart about how to go about it if you decide to use one of them.

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We strongly recommend that should you have to pick, choose from Adult Dating Sites. But if you decide to use one of these reputable sites below, you should use one of the following services:.

We have had a ton of sucess with it, and feedback from other AffairsClub has been positive. The estimated number of active members using this site is 1 worldwide and in the USA. Create a profile to get things rolling for free, if you see someone you like, hit them up and get it on. These are definitely the best for anyone looking for an affair. Adult online dating sites are essentially the same as dating sites - however, they focus on matching members that are interested mainly in sexual adventures.

The emphasis is more around hooking-up and having a good time. This site focuses on sexual compatibility. A gold mine for those of us looking for sex-only affairs. Rather, this site is for those of you who are really into fetish sites and alternative lifestyle stuff.

These guys have an ALT. Singles Online Dating Sites. Singles online dating sites are the most commonly found online - they also require the most effort from your part. Most users frequenting these sites are looking for a serious relationship and not a fling with a married person. For this reason, we recommend you avoid these sites.

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